Trauma has become a hot topic more recently! We seem to be talking about it more than ever as we learn more about human needs and development. Researchers have found that being exposed to trauma can have pretty far-reaching consequences. This blog is designed to help those who have been exposed to trauma and who struggle to achieve a sense of safety and peace in their life. So, what is trauma and what are some different skills we can use to cope?
When we find ourselves in scary or dangerous situations, our bodies have this incredible way of automatically shifting into survival mode. The idea is that when the “event” is over, our nervous systems recalibrate and return back to a mode where we can think, feel and connect simultaneously. However, in some cases this does not occur and as such our sense of threat or danger prevails.
Being chronically “on edge” or “shut down” after the trauma has ended can really affect the way that we think, feel, and react. Our alarm systems are extremely sensitive, triggered by even the most benign situations, sounds, smells, or textures. Because we are so jumpy and/or numb, we can find concepts like relaxation or even kindness terrifying. Those things are just so counterintuitive to survival! Naturally, this then distorts the way that we experience ourselves, others and the world around us. It can be exhausting, and as such we are at greater risk of depression, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, headaches, chronic fatigue, stomach issues, addictive habits, eating disorders, impulsive behaviours, and attention or memory difficulties. This has far reaching consequences, especially for our relationships. It can also affect our performance and satisfaction at work, which grinds away at our self-esteem and reinforces ideas that we are vulnerable and unsafe in a scary and dangerous world. It can also mean that we are frequently making appointments with the doctor, without many answers or solutions.
So why haven’t we been talking about this all along? Well authors like Bessel Van de Kolk, Judith Herman, Janina Fisher & Pat Ogden believe it’s because as human beings, we are conditioned to hear, speak and see no evil. We find the darker aspects of human behaviour intolerable and overwhelming. We squirm and cringe when we are faced with horrific stories, mainly because we are at a total loss as to what we should say or do about it. Most people just can’t tolerate hearing about trauma or witnessing the aftermath, and as such encourage people to suppress their feelings and needs.
Because of this, survivors are left to do just that… SURVIVE. Obviously, major parts of our brains and bodies shutdown and go offline – preserving our energy and resources. In these moments, we are not going to come up with super sophisticated ways of processing emotions and experiences. Instead, our bodies choose the path that has the best possibility of keeping us alive. Simple! In conjunction with this, there is often considerable amounts of shame and guilt that surround stories of trauma and abuse. So, anyone would be forgiven for relying on their five survival parts. Let’s introduce the Fight, Flight, Freeze, Submit and Attach parts:
Fight: This is the part of us that wants to keep us safe by relying on anger and aggression. This part pushes other people away with violence and intimidation, hoping to dominate the threat and eradicate it. This is also the suicidal part of us, willing to take us out in the instance that life or the associated feelings become too unbearable and overwhelming to tolerate.
Flight: This is the part of us that wants to keep us safe by running away or escaping. If we are not up for the fight, then this is the part that just wants to get out or leave. This could be by avoiding situations, using drugs and alcohol, or by withdrawing socially.
Freeze: This is the part of us that gets so overwhelmed in any situation that they just freeze. If there is no opportunity to fight or flight, she this part will trigger somewhat of a panic response where we enter into a state of paralysis. This is usually until one of our other survival parts steps in to take over.
Submit/Fawn: This is the part of us that keeps us safe by being the good little girl or boy. This is the part of us that puts the needs of everyone in front of our own. They run around trying to make things perfect in an attempt to reduce further conflict or trauma. This part of us is quite depressed, abandoning their own needs in an attempt to create safety by keeping everyone else happy.
Attach: This is a very young part of us that is desperate for love and attention but is terrified of abandonment. This is the part of us can be quite clingy and needy, and often gets triggered when someone rejects us.
These survival mechanisms are incredibly effective; however, they are often younger parts of us that developed in childhood and adolescence when we didn’t have the hardware or power to cope in more assertive and sophisticated ways. This can be problematic as we progress through life, especially if we find ourselves in safer environments but still relying on our survival parts to cope with everyday challenges. It can also create difficulties in our relationships as adults if we prefer to rely on our fight, flight, freeze, submit or attach parts as opposed to relying on more helpful strategies that encourage us to compromise, assert ourselves and negotiate.
It is therefore extremely important that we get to know our survival parts, find out what they are frightened of, and learn how to re-assure them to increase feelings of safety in any given moment. From there, it can be really helpful to learn how our bodies react and respond, as this will cue us in to the survival mechanism being activated. Often, this isn’t obvious straight away as our trauma doesn’t get stored in the language part of the brain. Remember that most of our brain shuts down when we get frightened so the parts responsible for logic, problem-solving and memory are offline. This can be why it’s so hard to tell our stories with words. Instead, we tend to react with our bodies and behaviour. Developing these skills can therefore allow us space to learn how to love our survival parts and take care of them as we move forward in life. This increases self-compassion as we learn to understand why we do what we do.
Here are some other strategies that can help us if our our survival mechanism are working in overdrive. Please remember that you don’t have to do this alone. There are a range of therapists out there to support and help you through this.
- Create a safety plan or activities that you can do when get triggered or overwhelmed. These can be activities that distract you from whats going on (i.e. watching a movie), soothe you (i.e. having a hot shower, drinking a cup of tea or looking a the beauty in nature) or improve the moment (i.e. doing yoga, look for meaning or prayer).
- Practise your breath work. This is a basic but important part of managing intense emotions. When you practise diaphragmatic breathing, it communicates to the brain that you are safe and will encourage your survival parts to stand down. Remember it can take anywhere from 20 – 30 minutes to calm down when you are distressed so make sure you don’t give up on this technique too soon.
- Explore grounding exercises that anchor you into the present moment when you are triggered. The 5 senses meditation can be really helpful, requiring you to identify and name 5 things that you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell in any moment. Counting backwards from 100 in increments of 7 can also help.
- Explore and practise mindfulness. This is a way of life that encourages curiosity without judgement. It allows you to be, to notice, and to experience before making decisions or reacting.
- Sign up to yoga or other such activities. They encourage you to move and develop a relationship and awareness to your body.
- Work on your assertiveness skills as this will help in relationships and when conflict arises.
If this post has increased your feelings of distress or triggered you to seek help, remember you can call (Australia):
- Lifeline 13 11 14;
- Kids Helpline 1800 551 800
- Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
- Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78.
- You can also make an appointment with your GP and request a Mental Health Care Plan.
